Let me start this post by saying this....I'm just going to sit and write. This may be a rambling, long post. I feel very passionate about this...so I think I'm going to just sit and write as it comes to me instead of trying to go back and "edit". So I apologize in advance if I"m hard to follow or wordy:)
I love facebook. I have a very spread out family. Without facebook it would be much harder for us all to stay in touch. So I have no intention of getting rid of facebook. It is also because of this social site that I've had cause to reexamine my own values and beliefs on a good many issues. I like that. It's important to know what you believe, and more importantly WHY you believe it. I have had some very nasty barbs tossed at me over the past year or so through facebook because of this particular belief. I have lost "friends". All of that is OK! I just find that the character restraints make it harder to discuss why I feel the way I do there than here..so here goes:)
I am not going to discuss what the Bible says about homosexuality in this post. I will discuss that in a future post though. So this won't be a religious argument.
My parents spent a lot of money sending me to a small Christian private high school. I am very thankful for the education that I received while I was there. But I was also living in sort of a small world "bubble". (Not that that is a horrible thing...I say guard your kids for as long as you can!) The first time I met a gay man was when I was 17 years old. I got a job waitressing at the local Ponderosa restaurant. His name was Ray. He was a very quiet, but still very funny guy. He was also relentlessly persecuted for his sexual orientation. He would often show up to work with black eyes and split lips. He knew no other way of life. I remember thinking with all the naivety of my 17 year old self..."how can that be?" "Why would people want to beat him up just for being gay?" Now I know that this issue is one that inflames people to such a horrible point. And when my son Evan came home from his high school yesterday telling me that some kids had beat a gay kid up to the point of the police being called. I was so unbearably sad. I immediately thought of Ray. I hope he has found a safe, tolerant place to live his life.
I have the pleasure of having some very wonderful gay friends. I have gay men friends, I have lesbian friends, I have bisexual friends. I love each and every one of them. I am so thankful for the contribution that each of them has made on my life. I guess part of my naive (still at age 36) self thinks that if everyone had the joy of knowing gay people like I do...maybe there would be no issue at all. But I know that's simply not true.
We are put on this Earth for such an incredibly short time. Finding someone to love and share a life with is one of the biggest blessings there can ever be. I hear anti gay activists saying that being gay is a choice. Well I certainly don't ever remember choosing to be straight. I can't help that I am attracted to men. If one sexuality is a choice, wouldn't it follow that the other would be as well?
I hear alot today from politicians quick to sign pledges that they're simply trying to "protect marriage". Well I'm going to have to call bullshit on that. No one is lobbying to make quickie marriages in Vegas illegal. No one is lobbying to have a cap on the amount of times you can be married. As long as we live in a world where Hugh Hefner can mozie on down to the courthouse to get a marriage license to a 22 year old woman...I say no one is seriously trying to "protect" anything.
I have gay friends that have been together, in a committed relationship to each other for almost 20 years. Those same people are not afforded the most basic rights. Without "outing", I will call these friends "Jim" and "Bob". So...after 20 years of living a life together, Jim gets sick. Bob is not allowed to make the same decisions (or in some cases even be in the hospital room) as I would be able to make for Paul. If Jim dies, it's harder for the wealth that they have accumulated together to be then passed to Bob. Things that the rest of us take for granted are just not available to these 2 American citizens. They can't file their taxes together, they can't raise children in many places. I just don't see how anyone can think that this is acceptable treatment for 2 people. It literally breaks my heart. I guess more so because I actually know people in these positions. It's not an abstract concept to me.
I hear the argument thrown around alot that marriage is about bearing children together. Well let's just put that one to bed right here and now. My amazing mother in law was not able to have children. She adopted my husband and his brother. I may never see another couple that were so in love with eachother as Frank and Charlotte. So by this standard..their marriage should also not be valid. Not to mention all of the friends that I have that are suffering through infertility. What about people that get married and just decide they don't want children? Or my Grandparents that re-married after 20 years. They weren't planning on having children at that point...so the marriage not a "real" one?
I know that none of these arguments are terribly creative or new. I just want to share from a very personal place why it is that I will never be able to vote for a candidate that signs these pledges. There is one running for President that has as an adviser one of the men that helped write the Rwanda "gay men should be put to death" law. I believe that we need a federal law accepting gay marriage. It can't be a state to state issue. It doesn't work that way. Any other couple can go to Hawaii (or Vegas) and get hitched and it be recognized when they get home. Right now in Texas there is a couple that were legally married in New Hampshire that can't now get a divorce because our state won't recognize that they are married to begin with.
I love my friends. I love all of them. I love the ones that believe like I do and the ones that don't. I just wanted to be able to explain why I feel the way I do. I know that I'm in the minority of my Bethel friends. I hope that they can still accept me even if we disagree. But just know, that I will continue to support the NOH8 campaign. I will always support my friend's quest to find the same rights that I get to have.
Anyone that has actually made it through all of this rambling can certainly comment. I welcome a good discussion. I'm not afraid anymore of letting people know the real me. I have to stand up and let my voice be heard even if it's not the most popular opinion. Especially because Evan was one of the ones who tried to break up that fight at school. He defended the poor gay kid. Not because he knew him, or was friends with him. But because that's how I've raised him. And I have never been more proud of my son. And also proud that I might have gotten at least some of his parenting right after all.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Settling in to the quiet routine
I am still in awe that Evan is in high school. He has settled in better than I could have ever dared to dream. He is so smart. I am beginning to see the flicker of ambition in him. He has a plan to go to Med school. I am hoping that he can continue on the path that will take him there. Every single day I am thankful that he is mine. He is funny and kind and loving (and stubborn, smart-mouthed and opinionated). He is truly one of the best parts of me. I'm so far beyond proud of him.
As I'm writing this, Liam has put himself into Arwen's dog cage. He's very happy there. He makes me laugh. It's amazing how a child at the age of 1 can have a sense of humor like he does. He knows when he's being cute and when he does something funny. He expects applause and praise. (I can't imagine where he gets THAT!)
I am so beyond blessed. I know people say that everyday. But I mean it. I am thankful for my husband that works so hard for us. I am thankful for each of my boys, as a group and as individuals. I am thankful for our home and our dog and our extremely happy existence.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Struggling with being the Mommy today
I have an over eater in my house. Addley would eat all the time if I let him. He drinks alot, he eats alot, he plays alot. We have never been overly concerned with his eating before. Recently though I have begun to worry about him. Paul is a big guy. We have no doubt that Addley is going to be a big guy as well. I'm just trying to walk the line between him being an OK big kid and staying away from truly unhealthy. The problem that we run into is that Addley is quite literally a closet eater. He will sneak into the kitchen and grab food. He then will go sit literally in his closet and eat it. It's not always "bad for you" food. It's just food. I have three kids and I can't keep an eye on the fridge all 24 hours in the day. Paul has asked if we need to lock the pantry and fridge. I don't know if maybe that's going too far. I don't want to give him a complex either. I don't want him to have any bit of self loathing placed from us. He should know that we love him no matter what. But that's hard to do when you're literally wrestling food out of his hands. Today I started with a chart for his eating. He will put a sticker on the chart at breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack times. My only concern with this approach is that he's being "rewarded" for eating...maybe it's going to make it even worse...?? Why didn't these kids come with an instruction manual?? I'm just trying to do my best here and sometimes that just feels so totally inadequate it's not even funny.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
The truth of Harry Potter
Last night Paul and I had a wonderful date night at the movies. We've been to all of the Harry Potter movies from the beginning (sometimes even going for the midnight showing). It's amazing how you can grow to "know" these characters after all this time. We very much enjoyed the movie.
On the way home I began to think about the hidden lessons in the Harry Potter franchise. There are many. Self acceptance, finding yourself, importance of friends and family, etc... But the one I want to talk about right now is love.
The love of a young mother to throw herself in front of her child to save him. The love of a man for a woman who never returned his affections. The love of a child for the parents he never got to know. And the love of that same young boy for the father figures that enter his life.
As a Mother, I know first hand that first love. As I watched this fictional mother lay down her life for her baby boy, I wept. There is no doubt in my mind that I would do the same for any of my beautiful boys. I am a big fan of "me". I always have been. I've been cocky and arrogant and selfish for all of my 36 years on this planet. But there is nothing like the love I feel for these boys that have been given to me.
My favorite character of the whole Harry Potter series is beyond a doubt Severus Snape. To love someone from afar. To want their happiness more than you want your own. This love is a beautiful thing too. I'm sure everyone reading this can relate to having a special person in your life that it just doesn't work out between you. In the best case scenario, you're able to be friends and continue to love and support each other.
We are all given these opportunities every day to make and keep healthy happy relationships in our lives. As hard as it is to cut out the unhealthy ones, sometimes it's just as hard to cultivate the good ones. We are all so busy with jobs, kids, life that it's easy to let the miles come between you. I know for me, I'm going to try to be better about taking care of the special people in my life. They're in my life for a reason.
On the way home I began to think about the hidden lessons in the Harry Potter franchise. There are many. Self acceptance, finding yourself, importance of friends and family, etc... But the one I want to talk about right now is love.
The love of a young mother to throw herself in front of her child to save him. The love of a man for a woman who never returned his affections. The love of a child for the parents he never got to know. And the love of that same young boy for the father figures that enter his life.
As a Mother, I know first hand that first love. As I watched this fictional mother lay down her life for her baby boy, I wept. There is no doubt in my mind that I would do the same for any of my beautiful boys. I am a big fan of "me". I always have been. I've been cocky and arrogant and selfish for all of my 36 years on this planet. But there is nothing like the love I feel for these boys that have been given to me.
My favorite character of the whole Harry Potter series is beyond a doubt Severus Snape. To love someone from afar. To want their happiness more than you want your own. This love is a beautiful thing too. I'm sure everyone reading this can relate to having a special person in your life that it just doesn't work out between you. In the best case scenario, you're able to be friends and continue to love and support each other.
We are all given these opportunities every day to make and keep healthy happy relationships in our lives. As hard as it is to cut out the unhealthy ones, sometimes it's just as hard to cultivate the good ones. We are all so busy with jobs, kids, life that it's easy to let the miles come between you. I know for me, I'm going to try to be better about taking care of the special people in my life. They're in my life for a reason.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
A thought about expectations.
Last night Paul and I took just Addley and went to the circus. With all these boys around here, we really try our best to try to spend "special" time with each of them as much as we can manage. Just trying to make them each feel as special as they are.
I was in the shower getting ready to go and I had a thought. As I was standing there, I was picturing this totally idealistic idea of what our night was going to be like. Then I began to chastise myself. "You can't expect too much from Addley" "He's going to not want to sit still" "He's going to be afraid" "He's going to be bored"
So I packed up my much lowered expectations and went to the circus.
And boy was I wrong on all counts! Addley really got into it! He had so much fun. He watched attentively. He asked questions. He recognized what was "dangerous" and therefore cool. He sat in his chair and clapped wildly after each performer. He yelled things like "hooray" and "bravo". I have never been so proud of him.
On the way home I started to beat myself up over lowering my expectations to begin with. Why would I be so pessimistic and down on my own kiddo? Sometimes when we least expect it, our kids surprise us. And we see a physical, visual confirmation that we are doing this whole parenting thing right. I needed last night. There are times Addley makes me feel totally overwhelmed. He is a handful even on his best days. But I have hope and belief renewed now that I really am not failing him quite as horribly as I had imagined.
I was in the shower getting ready to go and I had a thought. As I was standing there, I was picturing this totally idealistic idea of what our night was going to be like. Then I began to chastise myself. "You can't expect too much from Addley" "He's going to not want to sit still" "He's going to be afraid" "He's going to be bored"
So I packed up my much lowered expectations and went to the circus.
And boy was I wrong on all counts! Addley really got into it! He had so much fun. He watched attentively. He asked questions. He recognized what was "dangerous" and therefore cool. He sat in his chair and clapped wildly after each performer. He yelled things like "hooray" and "bravo". I have never been so proud of him.
On the way home I started to beat myself up over lowering my expectations to begin with. Why would I be so pessimistic and down on my own kiddo? Sometimes when we least expect it, our kids surprise us. And we see a physical, visual confirmation that we are doing this whole parenting thing right. I needed last night. There are times Addley makes me feel totally overwhelmed. He is a handful even on his best days. But I have hope and belief renewed now that I really am not failing him quite as horribly as I had imagined.
Monday, July 11, 2011
My heart is breaking
I have the most wonderful best friend in the world.
Sara is more than a friend, she is my sister. We have been through hell and high water and then some together. I love her so very much. Five years ago she gave me the most precious gift in the form of my Godson Gabriel.
Today Sara gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She is gorgeous, and perfect, and 1000 miles away.
I don't get homesick as much as I used to. But today is so hard. I have been sitting here looking at her picture just crying. I want to be there to hold her. I want to be there to take care of Sara. I want to be there to hug Gabe and let him know he's still my special little man. But I'm 1000 miles away. For all the advances in technology that keep us "connected", there is nothing like being there in the flesh. How do you send your love from so far away? Is it even possible to have a real connection with people that are so far away? How can I make the ones I love back home know how much I miss them and think of them. I am doing the best I can out here in Texas. There are times I'm not miserable at all here. But then there are days like today.....
Sara is more than a friend, she is my sister. We have been through hell and high water and then some together. I love her so very much. Five years ago she gave me the most precious gift in the form of my Godson Gabriel.
Today Sara gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She is gorgeous, and perfect, and 1000 miles away.
I don't get homesick as much as I used to. But today is so hard. I have been sitting here looking at her picture just crying. I want to be there to hold her. I want to be there to take care of Sara. I want to be there to hug Gabe and let him know he's still my special little man. But I'm 1000 miles away. For all the advances in technology that keep us "connected", there is nothing like being there in the flesh. How do you send your love from so far away? Is it even possible to have a real connection with people that are so far away? How can I make the ones I love back home know how much I miss them and think of them. I am doing the best I can out here in Texas. There are times I'm not miserable at all here. But then there are days like today.....
Friday, July 8, 2011
New (to me) blog ideas
So I've been stalking the blogosphere for interesting ideas. And besides, it's so neat to get a glimpse inside the workings of complete strangers. It's like sitting at the mall people watching with a psychic.
The new addition to my page will be.....
It's OK
As I talk to other women I began to notice that sometimes we are all asking the same question..."is such and such OK?"
We are all on a quest to be the best that we can be for our spouses, partners, children and families. And none of us have a guidebook on how to be successful at those endeavors. So for today..I'll start with a few that I've noticed over the years...
-it's OK to eat the animal crackers with your baby.
-it's OK to stay in your pajamas every now and then.
-it's OK to laugh so hard you shoot liquid out of your nose.
-it's OK to let your kids stay up later than usual watching Wipeout in Mommy and Daddy's bed.
-it's OK to order pizza if you just can't face cooking dinner.
There are so many more! I am excited to explore more of them in the coming weeks and months:)
The new addition to my page will be.....
It's OK
As I talk to other women I began to notice that sometimes we are all asking the same question..."is such and such OK?"
We are all on a quest to be the best that we can be for our spouses, partners, children and families. And none of us have a guidebook on how to be successful at those endeavors. So for today..I'll start with a few that I've noticed over the years...
-it's OK to eat the animal crackers with your baby.
-it's OK to stay in your pajamas every now and then.
-it's OK to laugh so hard you shoot liquid out of your nose.
-it's OK to let your kids stay up later than usual watching Wipeout in Mommy and Daddy's bed.
-it's OK to order pizza if you just can't face cooking dinner.
There are so many more! I am excited to explore more of them in the coming weeks and months:)
Thursday, July 7, 2011
If I could bottle it I would....
I was sick for about 36 hours. But in the midst of all of it...I still had this powerful laugh to raise my spirits:)
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Feeling sorry for myself today
I hate that I don't have a single video of Evan as a baby. Yes I have pictures, but I can't recall the sound of his baby voice. I feel like everyday I'm watching my baby slip more and more away. I love the little man that he is growing into...but I still mourn the loss of the baby he was. Maybe I'm just feeling old and emotional today. I wish I could turn back time and do things so much better for Evan. I feel like he got such a bum deal being the firstborn. I don't have a real good idea how to be a great Mom now...it was even worse 14 years ago! What I wouldn't give if I could take the things that I've learned and have a redo!!
Monday, July 4, 2011
What an incredible day today has been!! I have so much joy and love in my life. I know it's easy to lose sight of that during the trying times...but I am committed to reclaiming that joy. We spent some fun time in the pool. Such a blessing..it is FAR too hot outside to enjoy without the water. We stayed in until poor little Liam started to dose in his floaty. Had great food (complete with strawberry shortcakes), and enjoyed being a family.
But as the day draws to a close, I am reminded again what the day is truly about. I am so thankful to not only our Armed Men and Women...but especially to their wives, husbands and families that are also making the biggest sacrifice for my freedom. Happy Independence Day!! Or as one British man today said "Happy Day of Colonial Ingratitude". hilarious!!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
A Hole in my Heart
Today is July 3rd. I can't even believe it's been 15 years since we lost Dan. What an incredible man he was. I was pregnant with Evan at the time and I am still in deep mourning that Dan never got to meet him. I was going to sit and write about specific memories that I hold close to my heart. But then I realized, those are mine. The only thing I will say right now is this...The last thing my precious "Dan Dan" ever said to me was
"You're going to have a beautiful baby". He pat my belly and whet his dry cracked lips, then dozed back off to sleep. He was right...
I miss Dan everyday...but today it hurts even worse.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
simple things
How thankful I am for the couple thousand gallons of water in the backyard we call a pool. Had the most enjoyable day floating around with Addley and Liam. Such precious water babies they both are!! Liam's favorite new trick is to put his face in the water..he loves it. Scares Mommy, but we're learning together. After Evan came and got Liam for me, I had a very nice time with just Addley. He has such a sweet heart.
Friday, July 1, 2011
My sisters
I have been blessed with 5 sisters. Yes, that's right..my poor Dad had SIX girls...no boys... Each one of these sisters has a very different and special meaning in my life. I thought today I would take a minute and talk about them.
I'm going to start with Kimberly. She is 8 years younger than me. When we were growing up, that seemed like a lifetime. I didn't realize at the time how insignificant 8 years would feel when we were in our 30s. I cannot even imagine my life without Kim. When I'm having a truly horrible very bad no good day...she is the first one I call. She is able to make me laugh in spite of myself. She has given me the priceless gems known as Kassidy and Alex. I honestly never knew it was possible to love someone else's kids so much. I would do anything for either of those two kiddos. Kim has done such a remarkable with both of them. I am so proud of how hard working, kind and loving she is. There are many times I want to be more like her.
After giving me only two short years to adjust to having a younger sibling...Mom and Dad brought home Cyndi. I didn't really get to know Cyndi much until after I had already left the house. She was a whopping 10 years younger than me. In my self obsessed selfish teenaged mind, I didn't have time to appreciate the sweet little child that she was. But then a funny thing happened. Both of us had marriage swirl the drain. All the sudden we had all these same experiences and feelings that made it so easy for us to relate to eachother. Cyndi has grown into this absolutely amazing woman right before my eyes. She showed a grace that I couldn't have even dreamed of having dealing with the end of her first marriage. There is this solid rock under the surface with Cyndi. Watching her being a Mother to little Nathaniel (and now a Stepmom to Jerry's four) I often times find myself in awe. She truly inspires me.
I have to first start talking about the triplets as that: the triplets...a unit. When I was growing up I harbored serious anger, resentment and jealousy to all three of them. Looking back now with adult eyes I see that NONE of those things were ever their fault. Jennifer, Bethany and Amy are 3 years older than me. They are petite, gorgeous and every stinking one of them is talented in some amazing way that I will never be. You see, we were all growing up in this amazing blended family. So Dad didn't get to have the girls around as much as he wanted. I remember seeing the pain that he was in and in my child's way, blaming the girls. Then on the occasion that we did get to have them come visit, Dad was in this impossible position. All of the "rules of our house" weren't the same rules that they had in Pittsburgh...so it was either cave (and make me angry) or not cave (and make them angry). What a total lose lose situation he and my Mom were in. Now that we've all grown and begun our own lives, I've had some (not enough) opportunity to get to know each of them as their own person...which is all they ever wanted growing up it turns out.
Jennifer has a passion for the written word. I love that about her. I love that you can feel her passion when you read her words. I envy that more than she will ever know. Of the three older sisters, Jenn is the one that I've spent the least amount of time with. But somehow, she is the one that I feel like I "get" the most. She is this amazing Mother to her three GORGEOUS boys Dash, Will and Max. I see these pictures of her painting and coloring and baking with her boys and I am deeply in awe. As a Mother of 3 boys myself, I know that's not easy! I only hope that at some point in our lives, we'll be able to spend some actual quality time with Jenn and her family.
The dancer in our family is Bethany. She is graceful and gorgeous. She has not had an easy road in life, yet she still manages to have all this beautiful faith and love for people. I admire that so much. I find myself so cynical these days. Bethany loves with all that is Bethany...heart and soul for better or worse. She goes all in...it's beautiful!
That brings me to Amy. Amy is a wonder. She is this quiet peaceful woman, but right under the surface is this Italian fire. Her husband Donny is active military and I still don't know how you find the strength to send off your man like that. Her children Danny and Mary are absolutely adorable. I only got to spend a very little bit of time with them, but fell completely in love with both of them. Amy has morphed into this confident woman and mother in a way that I wish I could. You can sit and look at her and see the happiness that her kids and husband have brought to her.
I guess the point of all this rambling has been this:
There have been times in my life that I've had very little. I have been through alot. But I always had these amazing women in my life. I have always been wealthy because of them. And now all of my boys have these built in remarkable Aunts. (Don't even get me started on the wonderful men that they have each married!!) So I say, Thank You to Jennifer, Bethany, Amy, Kimberly and Cyndi for sharing my life with me...I love you all<3
I'm going to start with Kimberly. She is 8 years younger than me. When we were growing up, that seemed like a lifetime. I didn't realize at the time how insignificant 8 years would feel when we were in our 30s. I cannot even imagine my life without Kim. When I'm having a truly horrible very bad no good day...she is the first one I call. She is able to make me laugh in spite of myself. She has given me the priceless gems known as Kassidy and Alex. I honestly never knew it was possible to love someone else's kids so much. I would do anything for either of those two kiddos. Kim has done such a remarkable with both of them. I am so proud of how hard working, kind and loving she is. There are many times I want to be more like her.
After giving me only two short years to adjust to having a younger sibling...Mom and Dad brought home Cyndi. I didn't really get to know Cyndi much until after I had already left the house. She was a whopping 10 years younger than me. In my self obsessed selfish teenaged mind, I didn't have time to appreciate the sweet little child that she was. But then a funny thing happened. Both of us had marriage swirl the drain. All the sudden we had all these same experiences and feelings that made it so easy for us to relate to eachother. Cyndi has grown into this absolutely amazing woman right before my eyes. She showed a grace that I couldn't have even dreamed of having dealing with the end of her first marriage. There is this solid rock under the surface with Cyndi. Watching her being a Mother to little Nathaniel (and now a Stepmom to Jerry's four) I often times find myself in awe. She truly inspires me.
I have to first start talking about the triplets as that: the triplets...a unit. When I was growing up I harbored serious anger, resentment and jealousy to all three of them. Looking back now with adult eyes I see that NONE of those things were ever their fault. Jennifer, Bethany and Amy are 3 years older than me. They are petite, gorgeous and every stinking one of them is talented in some amazing way that I will never be. You see, we were all growing up in this amazing blended family. So Dad didn't get to have the girls around as much as he wanted. I remember seeing the pain that he was in and in my child's way, blaming the girls. Then on the occasion that we did get to have them come visit, Dad was in this impossible position. All of the "rules of our house" weren't the same rules that they had in Pittsburgh...so it was either cave (and make me angry) or not cave (and make them angry). What a total lose lose situation he and my Mom were in. Now that we've all grown and begun our own lives, I've had some (not enough) opportunity to get to know each of them as their own person...which is all they ever wanted growing up it turns out.
Jennifer has a passion for the written word. I love that about her. I love that you can feel her passion when you read her words. I envy that more than she will ever know. Of the three older sisters, Jenn is the one that I've spent the least amount of time with. But somehow, she is the one that I feel like I "get" the most. She is this amazing Mother to her three GORGEOUS boys Dash, Will and Max. I see these pictures of her painting and coloring and baking with her boys and I am deeply in awe. As a Mother of 3 boys myself, I know that's not easy! I only hope that at some point in our lives, we'll be able to spend some actual quality time with Jenn and her family.
The dancer in our family is Bethany. She is graceful and gorgeous. She has not had an easy road in life, yet she still manages to have all this beautiful faith and love for people. I admire that so much. I find myself so cynical these days. Bethany loves with all that is Bethany...heart and soul for better or worse. She goes all in...it's beautiful!
That brings me to Amy. Amy is a wonder. She is this quiet peaceful woman, but right under the surface is this Italian fire. Her husband Donny is active military and I still don't know how you find the strength to send off your man like that. Her children Danny and Mary are absolutely adorable. I only got to spend a very little bit of time with them, but fell completely in love with both of them. Amy has morphed into this confident woman and mother in a way that I wish I could. You can sit and look at her and see the happiness that her kids and husband have brought to her.
I guess the point of all this rambling has been this:
There have been times in my life that I've had very little. I have been through alot. But I always had these amazing women in my life. I have always been wealthy because of them. And now all of my boys have these built in remarkable Aunts. (Don't even get me started on the wonderful men that they have each married!!) So I say, Thank You to Jennifer, Bethany, Amy, Kimberly and Cyndi for sharing my life with me...I love you all<3
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
How quickly the time really goes....
Today I took Evan (and only Evan) out with me to do my weekly shopping/chores. We had a great time laughing together like we usually do. He is absolutely hilarious. The fact that he can still have such a great sense of humor after all the crap in his life amazes me.
I find myself sad on his behalf on lots of occasions. I feel badly that I gave him a horrible father. I know that if you ask him, he says he doesn't care that Fred has cut him out of his life. Most of the time I believe it's true. But the Mommy worrier in me frets about the emotional scars that were left when Fred took off. Perhaps they won't even be evident until Evan is older or when he himself gets married. I am very thankful that I met Paul when I did. Paul has never had a problem being Evan's Dad. He knew that we were a package deal and stepped right into that role with as much ease as I think is ever possible. Yes, they fight. I don't think they butt heads anymore than they would if Paul was his biological father though. Paul loves him and I hope that Evan feels that with every fiber of his being.
I often want to go to the page of the woman that Fred is currently living with. I want to ask her, as a single Mom...how can you be with a man that abandoned his own? Paul tells me that I would never get a sufficient answer to that question. Most likely, Fred has filled her head with lies and convinced her that I am the bad guy. I can just remember so clearly when I was single and looking to date. If a man had a kid that he never talked to or supported...I would have NEVER gone out with him. I know that my anger towards Fred is not healthy. And I don't have any anger left towards him for the things that he did to me. But the mother in me will never stop being mad at him for the way he's hurt my son. I know that I got the best part of Fred Webber. I know that he will have to answer for his own actions (or lack thereof) someday. But I can't seem to help the blind rage that I feel when I look at Evan.
I only have a little bit more time with him before he leaves for college. I am trying to appreciate every single day of that time. It doesn't seem like so long ago that he was playing in his first birthday cake. Now he's taller than me... But when we're laughing our way through the grocery store, I still see so much of my little baby in his face. And even though I really wanted to cry, I laughed.
I find myself sad on his behalf on lots of occasions. I feel badly that I gave him a horrible father. I know that if you ask him, he says he doesn't care that Fred has cut him out of his life. Most of the time I believe it's true. But the Mommy worrier in me frets about the emotional scars that were left when Fred took off. Perhaps they won't even be evident until Evan is older or when he himself gets married. I am very thankful that I met Paul when I did. Paul has never had a problem being Evan's Dad. He knew that we were a package deal and stepped right into that role with as much ease as I think is ever possible. Yes, they fight. I don't think they butt heads anymore than they would if Paul was his biological father though. Paul loves him and I hope that Evan feels that with every fiber of his being.
I often want to go to the page of the woman that Fred is currently living with. I want to ask her, as a single Mom...how can you be with a man that abandoned his own? Paul tells me that I would never get a sufficient answer to that question. Most likely, Fred has filled her head with lies and convinced her that I am the bad guy. I can just remember so clearly when I was single and looking to date. If a man had a kid that he never talked to or supported...I would have NEVER gone out with him. I know that my anger towards Fred is not healthy. And I don't have any anger left towards him for the things that he did to me. But the mother in me will never stop being mad at him for the way he's hurt my son. I know that I got the best part of Fred Webber. I know that he will have to answer for his own actions (or lack thereof) someday. But I can't seem to help the blind rage that I feel when I look at Evan.
I only have a little bit more time with him before he leaves for college. I am trying to appreciate every single day of that time. It doesn't seem like so long ago that he was playing in his first birthday cake. Now he's taller than me... But when we're laughing our way through the grocery store, I still see so much of my little baby in his face. And even though I really wanted to cry, I laughed.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
A day for new beginnings
I have been reading blogs of several of my friend's for a while now. I've secretly held this desire to start my own...so here goes!
Today is Liam's first birthday. I am overwhelmed with emotions as I sit here and watch him eat his breakfast pancakes. Paul and I had decided that we were "done" after Addley. We felt like our little family was complete. Then I got pregnant again. Honestly, I had several days of feeling sorry for myself, freaking out, crying, freaking out some more before I finally pulled my head out of my own butt. Children are the best gift we can ever be given. As I have sat on the sidelines for several years watching friends go through the most painful, heartbreaking journey that is infertility, I suddenly felt so ashamed of myself. That feeling of shame hung over my head until very recently. I felt like I should apologize to Liam everyday for not leaping with joy at the first thought of him. I have had to forgive myself. Not only forgive, but learn (more importantly) that Evan, Addley and Liam were all born to a severely flawed woman. But that severely flawed woman loves each and every one of these boys for who they are and who they will grow to be.
Before I had children I had no idea how much guilt and self loathing was involved in parenting. That is a true testament to my parents. They raised all of us (through some horrid circumstances I might add) without ever letting the strain show. As a grown woman I can look back in awe at how my Mom was able to parent, give of herself endlessly at our church, sometimes work outside the home, cook, and clean and still not let the sweat show.
What I am saying is this...I am learning everyday to accept my own shortcomings and also how to move beyond them for the love of these boys that were given to me. Still not perfect. Still screw them up in new and interesting ways almost everyday...but I'm learning to forgive myself for moments of imperfection. As I look over and watch Liam dancing while eating those pancakes..he doesn't need to know anything other than that he is safe and loved and that his Mommy is HILARIOUS when I dance with him. In these very simple moments I have found my peace.....
Today is Liam's first birthday. I am overwhelmed with emotions as I sit here and watch him eat his breakfast pancakes. Paul and I had decided that we were "done" after Addley. We felt like our little family was complete. Then I got pregnant again. Honestly, I had several days of feeling sorry for myself, freaking out, crying, freaking out some more before I finally pulled my head out of my own butt. Children are the best gift we can ever be given. As I have sat on the sidelines for several years watching friends go through the most painful, heartbreaking journey that is infertility, I suddenly felt so ashamed of myself. That feeling of shame hung over my head until very recently. I felt like I should apologize to Liam everyday for not leaping with joy at the first thought of him. I have had to forgive myself. Not only forgive, but learn (more importantly) that Evan, Addley and Liam were all born to a severely flawed woman. But that severely flawed woman loves each and every one of these boys for who they are and who they will grow to be.
Before I had children I had no idea how much guilt and self loathing was involved in parenting. That is a true testament to my parents. They raised all of us (through some horrid circumstances I might add) without ever letting the strain show. As a grown woman I can look back in awe at how my Mom was able to parent, give of herself endlessly at our church, sometimes work outside the home, cook, and clean and still not let the sweat show.
What I am saying is this...I am learning everyday to accept my own shortcomings and also how to move beyond them for the love of these boys that were given to me. Still not perfect. Still screw them up in new and interesting ways almost everyday...but I'm learning to forgive myself for moments of imperfection. As I look over and watch Liam dancing while eating those pancakes..he doesn't need to know anything other than that he is safe and loved and that his Mommy is HILARIOUS when I dance with him. In these very simple moments I have found my peace.....
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