Today I took Evan (and only Evan) out with me to do my weekly shopping/chores. We had a great time laughing together like we usually do. He is absolutely hilarious. The fact that he can still have such a great sense of humor after all the crap in his life amazes me.
I find myself sad on his behalf on lots of occasions. I feel badly that I gave him a horrible father. I know that if you ask him, he says he doesn't care that Fred has cut him out of his life. Most of the time I believe it's true. But the Mommy worrier in me frets about the emotional scars that were left when Fred took off. Perhaps they won't even be evident until Evan is older or when he himself gets married. I am very thankful that I met Paul when I did. Paul has never had a problem being Evan's Dad. He knew that we were a package deal and stepped right into that role with as much ease as I think is ever possible. Yes, they fight. I don't think they butt heads anymore than they would if Paul was his biological father though. Paul loves him and I hope that Evan feels that with every fiber of his being.
I often want to go to the page of the woman that Fred is currently living with. I want to ask her, as a single Mom...how can you be with a man that abandoned his own? Paul tells me that I would never get a sufficient answer to that question. Most likely, Fred has filled her head with lies and convinced her that I am the bad guy. I can just remember so clearly when I was single and looking to date. If a man had a kid that he never talked to or supported...I would have NEVER gone out with him. I know that my anger towards Fred is not healthy. And I don't have any anger left towards him for the things that he did to me. But the mother in me will never stop being mad at him for the way he's hurt my son. I know that I got the best part of Fred Webber. I know that he will have to answer for his own actions (or lack thereof) someday. But I can't seem to help the blind rage that I feel when I look at Evan.
I only have a little bit more time with him before he leaves for college. I am trying to appreciate every single day of that time. It doesn't seem like so long ago that he was playing in his first birthday cake. Now he's taller than me... But when we're laughing our way through the grocery store, I still see so much of my little baby in his face. And even though I really wanted to cry, I laughed.
No comments:
Post a Comment