I have been reading blogs of several of my friend's for a while now. I've secretly held this desire to start my own...so here goes!
Today is Liam's first birthday. I am overwhelmed with emotions as I sit here and watch him eat his breakfast pancakes. Paul and I had decided that we were "done" after Addley. We felt like our little family was complete. Then I got pregnant again. Honestly, I had several days of feeling sorry for myself, freaking out, crying, freaking out some more before I finally pulled my head out of my own butt. Children are the best gift we can ever be given. As I have sat on the sidelines for several years watching friends go through the most painful, heartbreaking journey that is infertility, I suddenly felt so ashamed of myself. That feeling of shame hung over my head until very recently. I felt like I should apologize to Liam everyday for not leaping with joy at the first thought of him. I have had to forgive myself. Not only forgive, but learn (more importantly) that Evan, Addley and Liam were all born to a severely flawed woman. But that severely flawed woman loves each and every one of these boys for who they are and who they will grow to be.
Before I had children I had no idea how much guilt and self loathing was involved in parenting. That is a true testament to my parents. They raised all of us (through some horrid circumstances I might add) without ever letting the strain show. As a grown woman I can look back in awe at how my Mom was able to parent, give of herself endlessly at our church, sometimes work outside the home, cook, and clean and still not let the sweat show.
What I am saying is this...I am learning everyday to accept my own shortcomings and also how to move beyond them for the love of these boys that were given to me. Still not perfect. Still screw them up in new and interesting ways almost everyday...but I'm learning to forgive myself for moments of imperfection. As I look over and watch Liam dancing while eating those pancakes..he doesn't need to know anything other than that he is safe and loved and that his Mommy is HILARIOUS when I dance with him. In these very simple moments I have found my peace.....
I feel so guilty sometimes too. I waited so long for Sarah and am ashamed that I have even a moment of resent, frustration, or impatience. I am also beginning to forgive myself and realize is that what you do most of the time matters MORE than what you do in a moment of frustration. Last week Sarah and Todd came to have lunch with me and some of my friends at school and I said to her, " Remember these ladies you may be in counseling with them someday talking about your mother!" I was joking, but there was a part of me that was serious. You are doing a better job that you think you are. Miss you!
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