Feeling sorry for myself today

I hate that I don't have a single video of Evan as a baby. Yes I have pictures, but I can't recall the sound of his baby voice. I feel like everyday I'm watching my baby slip more and more away. I love the little man that he is growing into...but I still mourn the loss of the baby he was. Maybe I'm just feeling old and emotional today. I wish I could turn back time and do things so much better for Evan. I feel like he got such a bum deal being the firstborn. I don't have a real good idea how to be a great Mom now...it was even worse 14 years ago! What I wouldn't give if I could take the things that I've learned and have a redo!!