Struggling with being the Mommy today

I have an over eater in my house. Addley would eat all the time if I let him. He drinks alot, he eats alot, he plays alot. We have never been overly concerned with his eating before. Recently though I have begun to worry about him. Paul is a big guy. We have no doubt that Addley is going to be a big guy as well. I'm just trying to walk the line between him being an OK big kid and staying away from truly unhealthy. The problem that we run into is that Addley is quite literally a closet eater. He will sneak into the kitchen and grab food. He then will go sit literally in his closet and eat it. It's not always "bad for you" food. It's just food. I have three kids and I can't keep an eye on the fridge all 24 hours in the day. Paul has asked if we need to lock the pantry and fridge. I don't know if maybe that's going too far. I don't want to give him a complex either. I don't want him to have any bit of self loathing placed from us. He should know that we love him no matter what. But that's hard to do when you're literally wrestling food out of his hands. Today I started with a chart for his eating. He will put a sticker on the chart at breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack times. My only concern with this approach is that he's being "rewarded" for eating...maybe it's going to make it even worse...?? Why didn't these kids come with an instruction manual?? I'm just trying to do my best here and sometimes that just feels so totally inadequate it's not even funny.

The truth of Harry Potter

Last night Paul and I had a wonderful date night at the movies. We've been to all of the Harry Potter movies from the beginning (sometimes even going for the midnight showing). It's amazing how you can grow to "know" these characters after all this time. We very much enjoyed the movie.

On the way home I began to think about the hidden lessons in the Harry Potter franchise. There are many. Self acceptance, finding yourself, importance of friends and family, etc... But the one I want to talk about right now is love.

The love of a young mother to throw herself in front of her child to save him. The love of a man for a woman who never returned his affections. The love of a child for the parents he never got to know. And the love of that same young boy for the father figures that enter his life.

As a Mother, I know first hand that first love. As I watched this fictional mother lay down her life for her baby boy, I wept. There is no doubt in my mind that I would do the same for any of my beautiful boys. I am a big fan of "me". I always have been. I've been cocky and arrogant and selfish for all of my 36 years on this planet. But there is nothing like the love I feel for these boys that have been given to me.

My favorite character of the whole Harry Potter series is beyond a doubt Severus Snape. To love someone from afar. To want their happiness more than you want your own. This love is a beautiful thing too. I'm sure everyone reading this can relate to having a special person in your life that it just doesn't work out between you. In the best case scenario, you're able to be friends and continue to love and support each other.

We are all given these opportunities every day to make and keep healthy happy relationships in our lives. As hard as it is to cut out the unhealthy ones, sometimes it's just as hard to cultivate the good ones. We are all so busy with jobs, kids, life that it's easy to let the miles come between you. I know for me, I'm going to try to be better about taking care of the special people in my life. They're in my life for a reason.

A thought about expectations.

Last night Paul and I took just Addley and went to the circus. With all these boys around here, we really try our best to try to spend "special" time with each of them as much as we can manage. Just trying to make them each feel as special as they are.

I was in the shower getting ready to go and I had a thought. As I was standing there, I was picturing this totally idealistic idea of what our night was going to be like. Then I began to chastise myself. "You can't expect too much from Addley" "He's going to not want to sit still" "He's going to be afraid" "He's going to be bored"

So I packed up my much lowered expectations and went to the circus.

And boy was I wrong on all counts! Addley really got into it! He had so much fun. He watched attentively. He asked questions. He recognized what was "dangerous" and therefore cool. He sat in his chair and clapped wildly after each performer. He yelled things like "hooray" and "bravo". I have never been so proud of him.

On the way home I started to beat myself up over lowering my expectations to begin with. Why would I be so pessimistic and down on my own kiddo? Sometimes when we least expect it, our kids surprise us. And we see a physical, visual confirmation that we are doing this whole parenting thing right. I needed last night. There are times Addley makes me feel totally overwhelmed. He is a handful even on his best days. But I have hope and belief renewed now that I really am not failing him quite as horribly as I had imagined.

My heart is breaking

I have the most wonderful best friend in the world.

Sara is more than a friend, she is my sister. We have been through hell and high water and then some together. I love her so very much. Five years ago she gave me the most precious gift in the form of my Godson Gabriel.
Today Sara gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She is gorgeous, and perfect, and 1000 miles away.

I don't get homesick as much as I used to. But today is so hard. I have been sitting here looking at her picture just crying. I want to be there to hold her. I want to be there to take care of Sara. I want to be there to hug Gabe and let him know he's still my special little man. But I'm 1000 miles away. For all the advances in technology that keep us "connected", there is nothing like being there in the flesh. How do you send your love from so far away? Is it even possible to have a real connection with people that are so far away? How can I make the ones I love back home know how much I miss them and think of them. I am doing the best I can out here in Texas. There are times I'm not miserable at all here. But then there are days like today.....

New (to me) blog ideas

So I've been stalking the blogosphere for interesting ideas. And besides, it's so neat to get a glimpse inside the workings of complete strangers. It's like sitting at the mall people watching with a psychic.

The new addition to my page will be.....

It's OK

As I talk to other women I began to notice that sometimes we are all asking the same question..."is such and such OK?"

We are all on a quest to be the best that we can be for our spouses, partners, children and families. And none of us have a guidebook on how to be successful at those endeavors. So for today..I'll start with a few that I've noticed over the years...

-it's OK to eat the animal crackers with your baby.
-it's OK to stay in your pajamas every now and then.
-it's OK to laugh so hard you shoot liquid out of your nose.
-it's OK to let your kids stay up later than usual watching Wipeout in Mommy and Daddy's bed.
-it's OK to order pizza if you just can't face cooking dinner.

There are so many more! I am excited to explore more of them in the coming weeks and months:)

If I could bottle it I would....

I was sick for about 36 hours. But in the midst of all of it...I still had this powerful laugh to raise my spirits:)

Feeling sorry for myself today

I hate that I don't have a single video of Evan as a baby. Yes I have pictures, but I can't recall the sound of his baby voice. I feel like everyday I'm watching my baby slip more and more away. I love the little man that he is growing into...but I still mourn the loss of the baby he was. Maybe I'm just feeling old and emotional today. I wish I could turn back time and do things so much better for Evan. I feel like he got such a bum deal being the firstborn. I don't have a real good idea how to be a great Mom now...it was even worse 14 years ago! What I wouldn't give if I could take the things that I've learned and have a redo!!

What an incredible day today has been!! I have so much joy and love in my life. I know it's easy to lose sight of that during the trying times...but I am committed to reclaiming that joy. We spent some fun time in the pool. Such a blessing..it is FAR too hot outside to enjoy without the water. We stayed in until poor little Liam started to dose in his floaty. Had great food (complete with strawberry shortcakes), and enjoyed being a family.

But as the day draws to a close, I am reminded again what the day is truly about. I am so thankful to not only our Armed Men and Women...but especially to their wives, husbands and families that are also making the biggest sacrifice for my freedom. Happy Independence Day!! Or as one British man today said "Happy Day of Colonial Ingratitude". hilarious!!

A Hole in my Heart

Today is July 3rd. I can't even believe it's been 15 years since we lost Dan. What an incredible man he was. I was pregnant with Evan at the time and I am still in deep mourning that Dan never got to meet him. I was going to sit and write about specific memories that I hold close to my heart. But then I realized, those are mine. The only thing I will say right now is this...The last thing my precious "Dan Dan" ever said to me was

"You're going to have a beautiful baby". He pat my belly and whet his dry cracked lips, then dozed back off to sleep. He was right...

I miss Dan everyday...but today it hurts even worse.

simple things

How thankful I am for the couple thousand gallons of water in the backyard we call a pool. Had the most enjoyable day floating around with Addley and Liam. Such precious water babies they both are!! Liam's favorite new trick is to put his face in the water..he loves it. Scares Mommy, but we're learning together. After Evan came and got Liam for me, I had a very nice time with just Addley. He has such a sweet heart.

My sisters

I have been blessed with 5 sisters. Yes, that's right..my poor Dad had SIX girls...no boys... Each one of these sisters has a very different and special meaning in my life. I thought today I would take a minute and talk about them.

I'm going to start with Kimberly. She is 8 years younger than me. When we were growing up, that seemed like a lifetime. I didn't realize at the time how insignificant 8 years would feel when we were in our 30s. I cannot even imagine my life without Kim. When I'm having a truly horrible very bad no good day...she is the first one I call. She is able to make me laugh in spite of myself. She has given me the priceless gems known as Kassidy and Alex. I honestly never knew it was possible to love someone else's kids so much. I would do anything for either of those two kiddos. Kim has done such a remarkable with both of them. I am so proud of how hard working, kind and loving she is. There are many times I want to be more like her.

After giving me only two short years to adjust to having a younger sibling...Mom and Dad brought home Cyndi. I didn't really get to know Cyndi much until after I had already left the house. She was a whopping 10 years younger than me. In my self obsessed selfish teenaged mind, I didn't have time to appreciate the sweet little child that she was. But then a funny thing happened. Both of us had marriage swirl the drain. All the sudden we had all these same experiences and feelings that made it so easy for us to relate to eachother. Cyndi has grown into this absolutely amazing woman right before my eyes. She showed a grace that I couldn't have even dreamed of having dealing with the end of her first marriage. There is this solid rock under the surface with Cyndi. Watching her being a Mother to little Nathaniel (and now a Stepmom to Jerry's four) I often times find myself in awe. She truly inspires me.

I have to first start talking about the triplets as that: the triplets...a unit. When I was growing up I harbored serious anger, resentment and jealousy to all three of them. Looking back now with adult eyes I see that NONE of those things were ever their fault. Jennifer, Bethany and Amy are 3 years older than me. They are petite, gorgeous and every stinking one of them is talented in some amazing way that I will never be. You see, we were all growing up in this amazing blended family. So Dad didn't get to have the girls around as much as he wanted. I remember seeing the pain that he was in and in my child's way, blaming the girls. Then on the occasion that we did get to have them come visit, Dad was in this impossible position. All of the "rules of our house" weren't the same rules that they had in Pittsburgh...so it was either cave (and make me angry) or not cave (and make them angry). What a total lose lose situation he and my Mom were in. Now that we've all grown and begun our own lives, I've had some (not enough) opportunity to get to know each of them as their own person...which is all they ever wanted growing up it turns out.

Jennifer has a passion for the written word. I love that about her. I love that you can feel her passion when you read her words. I envy that more than she will ever know. Of the three older sisters, Jenn is the one that I've spent the least amount of time with. But somehow, she is the one that I feel like I "get" the most. She is this amazing Mother to her three GORGEOUS boys Dash, Will and Max. I see these pictures of her painting and coloring and baking with her boys and I am deeply in awe. As a Mother of 3 boys myself, I know that's not easy! I only hope that at some point in our lives, we'll be able to spend some actual quality time with Jenn and her family.

The dancer in our family is Bethany. She is graceful and gorgeous. She has not had an easy road in life, yet she still manages to have all this beautiful faith and love for people. I admire that so much. I find myself so cynical these days. Bethany loves with all that is Bethany...heart and soul for better or worse. She goes all in...it's beautiful!

That brings me to Amy. Amy is a wonder. She is this quiet peaceful woman, but right under the surface is this Italian fire. Her husband Donny is active military and I still don't know how you find the strength to send off your man like that. Her children Danny and Mary are absolutely adorable. I only got to spend a very little bit of time with them, but fell completely in love with both of them. Amy has morphed into this confident woman and mother in a way that I wish I could. You can sit and look at her and see the happiness that her kids and husband have brought to her.

I guess the point of all this rambling has been this:

There have been times in my life that I've had very little. I have been through alot. But I always had these amazing women in my life. I have always been wealthy because of them. And now all of my boys have these built in remarkable Aunts. (Don't even get me started on the wonderful men that they have each married!!) So I say, Thank You to Jennifer, Bethany, Amy, Kimberly and Cyndi for sharing my life with me...I love you all<3