Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
How quickly the time really goes....
Today I took Evan (and only Evan) out with me to do my weekly shopping/chores. We had a great time laughing together like we usually do. He is absolutely hilarious. The fact that he can still have such a great sense of humor after all the crap in his life amazes me.
I find myself sad on his behalf on lots of occasions. I feel badly that I gave him a horrible father. I know that if you ask him, he says he doesn't care that Fred has cut him out of his life. Most of the time I believe it's true. But the Mommy worrier in me frets about the emotional scars that were left when Fred took off. Perhaps they won't even be evident until Evan is older or when he himself gets married. I am very thankful that I met Paul when I did. Paul has never had a problem being Evan's Dad. He knew that we were a package deal and stepped right into that role with as much ease as I think is ever possible. Yes, they fight. I don't think they butt heads anymore than they would if Paul was his biological father though. Paul loves him and I hope that Evan feels that with every fiber of his being.
I often want to go to the page of the woman that Fred is currently living with. I want to ask her, as a single Mom...how can you be with a man that abandoned his own? Paul tells me that I would never get a sufficient answer to that question. Most likely, Fred has filled her head with lies and convinced her that I am the bad guy. I can just remember so clearly when I was single and looking to date. If a man had a kid that he never talked to or supported...I would have NEVER gone out with him. I know that my anger towards Fred is not healthy. And I don't have any anger left towards him for the things that he did to me. But the mother in me will never stop being mad at him for the way he's hurt my son. I know that I got the best part of Fred Webber. I know that he will have to answer for his own actions (or lack thereof) someday. But I can't seem to help the blind rage that I feel when I look at Evan.
I only have a little bit more time with him before he leaves for college. I am trying to appreciate every single day of that time. It doesn't seem like so long ago that he was playing in his first birthday cake. Now he's taller than me... But when we're laughing our way through the grocery store, I still see so much of my little baby in his face. And even though I really wanted to cry, I laughed.
I find myself sad on his behalf on lots of occasions. I feel badly that I gave him a horrible father. I know that if you ask him, he says he doesn't care that Fred has cut him out of his life. Most of the time I believe it's true. But the Mommy worrier in me frets about the emotional scars that were left when Fred took off. Perhaps they won't even be evident until Evan is older or when he himself gets married. I am very thankful that I met Paul when I did. Paul has never had a problem being Evan's Dad. He knew that we were a package deal and stepped right into that role with as much ease as I think is ever possible. Yes, they fight. I don't think they butt heads anymore than they would if Paul was his biological father though. Paul loves him and I hope that Evan feels that with every fiber of his being.
I often want to go to the page of the woman that Fred is currently living with. I want to ask her, as a single Mom...how can you be with a man that abandoned his own? Paul tells me that I would never get a sufficient answer to that question. Most likely, Fred has filled her head with lies and convinced her that I am the bad guy. I can just remember so clearly when I was single and looking to date. If a man had a kid that he never talked to or supported...I would have NEVER gone out with him. I know that my anger towards Fred is not healthy. And I don't have any anger left towards him for the things that he did to me. But the mother in me will never stop being mad at him for the way he's hurt my son. I know that I got the best part of Fred Webber. I know that he will have to answer for his own actions (or lack thereof) someday. But I can't seem to help the blind rage that I feel when I look at Evan.
I only have a little bit more time with him before he leaves for college. I am trying to appreciate every single day of that time. It doesn't seem like so long ago that he was playing in his first birthday cake. Now he's taller than me... But when we're laughing our way through the grocery store, I still see so much of my little baby in his face. And even though I really wanted to cry, I laughed.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
A day for new beginnings
I have been reading blogs of several of my friend's for a while now. I've secretly held this desire to start my own...so here goes!
Today is Liam's first birthday. I am overwhelmed with emotions as I sit here and watch him eat his breakfast pancakes. Paul and I had decided that we were "done" after Addley. We felt like our little family was complete. Then I got pregnant again. Honestly, I had several days of feeling sorry for myself, freaking out, crying, freaking out some more before I finally pulled my head out of my own butt. Children are the best gift we can ever be given. As I have sat on the sidelines for several years watching friends go through the most painful, heartbreaking journey that is infertility, I suddenly felt so ashamed of myself. That feeling of shame hung over my head until very recently. I felt like I should apologize to Liam everyday for not leaping with joy at the first thought of him. I have had to forgive myself. Not only forgive, but learn (more importantly) that Evan, Addley and Liam were all born to a severely flawed woman. But that severely flawed woman loves each and every one of these boys for who they are and who they will grow to be.
Before I had children I had no idea how much guilt and self loathing was involved in parenting. That is a true testament to my parents. They raised all of us (through some horrid circumstances I might add) without ever letting the strain show. As a grown woman I can look back in awe at how my Mom was able to parent, give of herself endlessly at our church, sometimes work outside the home, cook, and clean and still not let the sweat show.
What I am saying is this...I am learning everyday to accept my own shortcomings and also how to move beyond them for the love of these boys that were given to me. Still not perfect. Still screw them up in new and interesting ways almost everyday...but I'm learning to forgive myself for moments of imperfection. As I look over and watch Liam dancing while eating those pancakes..he doesn't need to know anything other than that he is safe and loved and that his Mommy is HILARIOUS when I dance with him. In these very simple moments I have found my peace.....
Today is Liam's first birthday. I am overwhelmed with emotions as I sit here and watch him eat his breakfast pancakes. Paul and I had decided that we were "done" after Addley. We felt like our little family was complete. Then I got pregnant again. Honestly, I had several days of feeling sorry for myself, freaking out, crying, freaking out some more before I finally pulled my head out of my own butt. Children are the best gift we can ever be given. As I have sat on the sidelines for several years watching friends go through the most painful, heartbreaking journey that is infertility, I suddenly felt so ashamed of myself. That feeling of shame hung over my head until very recently. I felt like I should apologize to Liam everyday for not leaping with joy at the first thought of him. I have had to forgive myself. Not only forgive, but learn (more importantly) that Evan, Addley and Liam were all born to a severely flawed woman. But that severely flawed woman loves each and every one of these boys for who they are and who they will grow to be.
Before I had children I had no idea how much guilt and self loathing was involved in parenting. That is a true testament to my parents. They raised all of us (through some horrid circumstances I might add) without ever letting the strain show. As a grown woman I can look back in awe at how my Mom was able to parent, give of herself endlessly at our church, sometimes work outside the home, cook, and clean and still not let the sweat show.
What I am saying is this...I am learning everyday to accept my own shortcomings and also how to move beyond them for the love of these boys that were given to me. Still not perfect. Still screw them up in new and interesting ways almost everyday...but I'm learning to forgive myself for moments of imperfection. As I look over and watch Liam dancing while eating those pancakes..he doesn't need to know anything other than that he is safe and loved and that his Mommy is HILARIOUS when I dance with him. In these very simple moments I have found my peace.....
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